I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause I channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shoulda' never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel 

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus]

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Well hmm its saterday and well iv been on the phone with someone from my past, im not to shore i should but.........

anyone that knows me knows i am always what to know why,

    so i was talking to my good friend dee and jesse and they told me that my ex James(we all know him as my 4 year mind fuck) and dee and jesse keep telling me that he has grown up a little bit. he told dee and jesse that he felt bad about what had happend between us when we where in school. so i just kinda stoped.you know i remember people telling me you never get over your first true love. you know in some was there right but its all pending on how it ended.

     well just to give you some back ground we where like. 16 i guess . and he was going in to the mermrins and he told me he told me he did not have time for me ok so that ended that. but like 6 of 7 months later he was kicked out of boot camp for meny resones and than showed up at my house around thanksgiving i dont know i thougt it was funny. but after him and i talked he then found out i had not time for him. and that was the last time i had seen him then. then like 2 years later i ran in to him with my old beast friend Bri and her mom(LOL Bri thought he sounded gay lol) and we talked for liek 20 mins. then that was the last i had seen him so i was 18 the last time i had seen him and now well im 23 so its been 5 years oging on 6 years.

          so i just got off the phone with him and he tells me hes sorry for what happend in the past and i did not desurve that. all i could say was Wow you ackuley sounded sinser. then i kinda felt bad for saying that but yet againe i dont. then i started to relly think about it james and i  are totley diffrent people now. but between him and my mother my  head was /and still is so fucked see i dont even know what a real relaytionship is saposed to be like. and so hence the tittle Scars by Popa Roach you its more the Chorus

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

           the line that keeps is our scars remind us that the past is real. but you neve know you would think they would heal if you let them and i think i just have not let them heal first. but you know ill figure it out soon i guess. you know i just think im over reackting....

 

well got to run see you all later  

Liz 

 

 

Wow I rely just hate this state and what it does to people......


Ok from the beginning... so I have this friend Angela. I lover her she’s like a sister to me. Well she just had a baby he’s wonderful. Well as much as 7-week old preemie baby can be. The problem is the father. He is so fucked up in the head its not even funny she cant even take a piss with out him telling her she’s cheating on her its just bull shit. I'm sorry I have a big problem with some jackass who thinks he cans control someone. And that’s just him on a good day. So iv been here for 2 weeks and I levee tomorrow (thank the gods) I can’t do this... I tried to help hem see she was not cheating on him and the reason she does not call him every 10 min is because she needs to take care of there sun. gods the basted did not even go to the hospital when she had an emergency sea section (she could have died. her kidneys where failing)because he thought the baby was not his. and the sad thing is I found a worse parent then my own mother. and his name is john he told ange the other day he spent the money that for the baby on meth.that was the end of it for me.....

no tonight Angela and i got into it... she chose he asshole over her well being he does nothing but call her a hore and a slut and how he regrets the child. and theirs nothing I can do. I can't believe this is even happening. and all she can say is its her babies father. and his reasoning for doing what he does is she makes me do this and she started it. and its him.. all him. How do you help so one that can’t be helped? It is so hard to stand by and let this happen. But that all I can do and hope for the best. And to pray to every thing I hold dear the she will wake up at lest for her baby.

GODS this sucks...........................iv been here for 2 weeks and I thought the hardest thing would be to get back on the plain. But here I am crying and up set over, I can't help her. And I going to lose yet another friend because they don’t know how to take that step foreword oh well maybe ill feel better tomorrow good night all


Liz

You know I convinced I’m only here when I’m rely upset but where else do you go when its 2 am and you need to vent. That and I’m always being asked to up date lol well here I go.


Well I’ve been seeing some one for a while now and its cool I guess it’s a bit add for me the hole long term thing any way. I do love him but some time I don’t know why I do it. its a rare thing when we fight we are always happy but when we do its usely over one thing his drinking I know he’s doing a lot better but I’m sick of fighting about it. I feel like I’m he’s mother telling him he cant I shouldn’t have to its just a bunch of B.S. well as of right now he is at the bar with his friend Margarita WOOO HOOO she called him because she wanted to talk to him a bout her living her husband. You know I don’t have a problem with that but why could she just come over here. But no she wants to go to the bar and talk. It’s not the first time she’s done this. I know they've known each other for a long time and it’s like one of his best friends. But it does not help when he tells me that they had feelings for each other. It was explained to me like it was exactly like my friend Alfred and I. oooo that helps.

you know I stopped talking the Alfred because Well minhs was not to happy about the hole thing so I stopped seeing him and I don’t talk to him that much any more. who knows any more maybe i’m just not cut out for this hole Relationship thing most likely ill be fine tomorrow like nothing happened like I usually do hell I could just be over Reacting oh well its bed time ya'll sweet dreams to every one

so life works out in the most weirdest ways. i have 3 friends with in one year love each other then hate each other then where OK then one by one loved each other again. grrrrrrrrrrr now thats a migraine just waiting to happen,. ill just have to see how that works out i wish them the best

then i have 2 other friends i love with all my heart which i lived with i may not have been the best of ideas but i worked out for the better i just hope they don't stay mad at me for to much longer. i know i fucked up and i ad might that. but now well just have to see how that plays out.

then i have this guy friend iv known sense i was 16 and well i had the biggest thing for him (ya baby)well turns out he not only felt the same way but still does grrrrrrrrrrr see thats not the problem. the problem is hes marred and has a kid. thats the problem.
now all i can do is just sit here well you know when i weight the universe has this thing about throwing a wrench in the mix and well thats where my boy friend comes in

well the good thing is i found out hes stopping point it seems to be the only one he has but its still a stooping point. and he did stop saying i love you (finally)
you know i really do like him and i do see him and i together for a long time.just not for the rest of our liefs. its that its to good to be true thing.

the only thing that bothers me is when people condemn th relationship from the start ya i had some problems with it in the beginning but him and talk allot that know one knows about or what its about . the boy is most likely the best thing that ever happened to me. that so would not surprise me.ill see how it go's.

you know i moved in with my boy and you know it got better hes not so bad now.we talk all the time and i have this big problem i can tell him anything.hes like my best friend and lover its kool.i guess its not that big of a problem. (just one day at a time)

well thats all for now its time for me to go the boy well be home soon :)

METAL ROOSTER Horoscope
Feb 8, 1921 to Jan 27, 1922
Feb 5, 1981 to Jan 24, 1982

Rooster is often seen as the original strong silent type, not unlike the Humphrey Bogart and Greto Garbo prototypes. Most people consider them quite eccentric. Sad to say, relationships with other people are often strained. They are quite moody and can be too outspoken. They are often self-centered, but can be quite brave when the situation calls for it. On the other hand, Rooster People are quite talented and capable. They are always devoted to their work and have a reputation for being the hardest of workers. Rooster People are deep thinkers and are pioneers in spirit. They can experience the greatest of joy in complete solitude. Even though often alone, they rarely experience loneliness. Instead, they enjoy their own company and feel solitude helps them in their quest after knowledge.

Shark-tail Soup and fortune cookies are among the keys to good health.




Sometimes this one walks around with its head in the cumulus clouds, higher than the stars. You see, this rooster struts around with peacock feathers and they never ever ruffle. So much arrogance can make it hard to get along with others, especially when the Rooster is also intolerant of those who are less talented and a bit slower than normal. On the other hand, the Metal Rooster is extraordinarily talented. Of all twelve Zodiac signs, this one is probably the most high-minded of them all, with a very clean line of thought. The Metal Roosters can distinguish right from wrong very clearly and it doesn't matter which direction they pursue, they always wind up going the right way. If they confront a maze, or big problem, they will immediately see a solution because of their analytical, logical way of thinking. Through their perseverance, any hurricane becomes an orderly thing of beauty, just like that! When it's time for romance, the male Metal Rooster has no trouble at all, love just abounds; the female has a tendency to keep to herself, making connections less freely, but lastingly when they happen.

I'm not supposed to be scared of anything
But I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted
And nobody understands
I'm tryin' hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There’s no one here to talk to
And the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this
Under control
I can't help me
'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feelin' weak and weary walkin' through this world alone
Everything I say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say but now I got nowhere to turn
It feels like I’ve been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this
Under control
I can't help me
‘Cause none knows

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated save me
Now I’m going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated save me
Now I’m falling apart now I feel it

But I’m going through changes, changes
God I feel so frustrated lately
And I get suffocated I hate this
But I’m going through changes, changes

Artist: Nickelback
Album: The Long Road
Title: Someday


How the hell did we wind up like this?

Why weren’t we able?
To see the signs that we missed
try to turn the tables.
I wish you would unclench your fists,
And unpack your suitcase
lately theres been to much of this
but don’t think its too late

Chorus:
nothings wrong
just as long
as you know that someday I will
someday
some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
you’re the only one that knows that
someday
some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you’re wondering when

well I’d hope that since we’re here anyway
we can end up saying
things that we always needed to say
so we can end up staying

now the stories played out like this
just like a paperback novel
lets re-write an ending that fits
instead of a hollywood horror

Chorus

you’re the only one that knows that

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren’t we able?
To see the signs that we missed
try to turn the tables.
Now the stories played out like this
just like a paperback novel
lets re-write an ending that fits
instead of a hollywood horror
nothings wrong
just as long

Chorus

I know you’re wondering when
you’re the only one that knows that
I know you’re wondering when
you’re the only one that knows that
I know you’re wondering when

well the day has come to its end,and well so has most of the night.and I'm doing allot better. i could have lived my life with out the dream i had this morning OH gods that was messed up. you there are dreams you have you can feel everything going on around you. sometimes its OK but not this morning. this dream i had was mostly about me finding out i was (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) and going throw a miscarry and felt I i woke up crying it was not kool. that was like at 330 am -4.
then getting up at 8 that was not kool after a dream like that gods it really messed with me i was able to get back to sleep till like 10. i called my buddy up opps that was soooooooooo not a good idea. ya know sometimes its like waking a hibernating dragon. that is sooo not good. now there's a great combo one pissed off dragon and one pissed of PMSing female.aaaaaaaa not good.im not getting in to it.
and on that same note I'm soooo convinced he is trying to piss me off so ill talk. half the time i keep things to myself. because it would piss hem off. i don't want that.i love hem to much to lose hem. and i would.i know hes going to see this. and i can hear and i can hear hem now. your not going to lose me. no matter what. and i believe it to an extent.i know there well be something i say that well piss hem off and he'll leave.i know it always happens.. but if i do tell hem that means i have to trust hem. allot. don't get me wrong i trust the boy. but iv never trusted someone that much. look i know im messed up in the head. i don't need someone eels knowing whats going on in my head.ya know he said some thing to me the other day that made me just stop and think about why. why shouldn't let hem in. he let me see into hes world. why the hell cant i let hem see into mine.i guess I'm just scared of letting someone get that close to me. o well
HO dear gods it happened again. hear by myself with nothing to keep me company but my thoughts. this is soooo not good.now it could get fun because sleep deep is starting to hit. lets see,hmmm.OK maybe not I'm going to bed be4 it gets bad.

now never forget the stars well be there in the morning.
Luna

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

all of me X3


now that is a song that plays with my heart strings every time i hear it so i thought i would shire

OK well one more night and I'm out of it again . with only my thoughts to keep me company. hear it gos.I have a problem with this place. the ground i walk on, the fact a can feel my own skin, and fighting the erg to not cut it all off piece by piece,and nothing i can do about.
you know a friend said its an awakening. not if you go threw it all the time. its my own live in hell. my own skin how messed up is that. i cant take it off like its cloths you know.i wish you could.gods knows iv tried.
i tried to talk to another friend today about it, but to tell hem what it is. is hard to do because that means it there and it real and i refuse to believe that. so i carry on just to thinking I'm crazy.
now she is apart of this Fae board, and i can understand where she is coming from. but she has no idea how it feels to go throw this. not being able to slow down the pitchers that fly throw my head. when you touch someone or someone touches you see it all, there past, know how they feel, and what they are thinking, how do you deal with that?how do you stop it.make it go away. some much for an awakening. awaken to what?my own hell!! what i am or what i was, i can never be what i was in my past. because it is just that my past. its like trying to turn back time to stop your self from doing something dumb(aaa there's that regret thing again) you cant. so your mistake are just that your mistake's live with it learn from them and try not to repeat them may it be from a past life or this one.
now there are memories, memories are a good thing but understand them for what they are memories not some thing you can relive. so now what to do from hear i could go into my room and mule it over for a while and end up back hear saying the same thing.
you know i need to just find someone to just tell me ill be OK and I'm not crazy and its not just me that thanks this way i guess it just an illusion in my own mind that one day i ill be OK. till then ill just set hear and keep drinking my tea and smile like nothings wrong with me. hoo gods forbid there's any thing wrong with Luna. ill just commit myself tomorrow.
you know i once told someone that if you just wright it down. they well feel a lot better when your dune. i was wrong its not such a good idea after all. i feel i should commit my self before my friends do. after they read this they'll want to.OK I'm done for the day see ya tomorrow
Luna
dream well dream safe

OK all one more night and I'm locked in my head. you know it would not be that bad if only, the others i lived with knew what was going on with me.they would understand why (see being bi-poler manic depression)I'm as lost as i am!!
it all started a week ago i was doing fine then a really good friend went on a manic swing i could not do anything to help hem.also at that same time 2 of my best friends where fighting(there married)and it was all i could do just to keep them from losing it. and once again there was nothing i could do to prevent the tears from falling. and all this just takes its tole. so the week progressed thing got better with everyone but me now everyones smiling and everyones OK I'm now falling apart. with no where to go but into my own head.
last night was a bad idea i had the house all to my self,you know most people would have loved it, they would have had a blast.until i had to wright this email to a bored i want to get on. it made me think about my past and how rally messed up it was and is. you know so many people say you don't have time in this life to regret any thing.now thats a cop out.because no mater what happens in your life there is always something you regret. it may just something you said or an action you did, but its always something. thats what makes us human in one way or another. we learn from our mistakes(sometimes)i guess thats karma's way to teach us humility.
aaaaa humility, what a great word humility!!!! liefs little way to teach us to grow the f@$ # up. what would i do with out it. its what gets me through day to day life.its the only way.
but you know after awhile it gets you to you especially when your everyone else's entertainment its OK for a bout maybe a year. but then it gets to you. i know my friends are going to read this and this it not to piss anyone off in any way.
today way my hit rock bottom day i knew it as soon as i got up today. the girls where in my room. they where going to jump on me to get me up i opened my eye before they could:) ha ha and one tells me a friend of ours was asking her boyfriend where he got his shirt(it says warning chocking hazard and a big arrow that points down. i love it, its grate i found it)and he told hem that his girl and her hoe got it for hem. you know i know he was just messing around because he would never mean some thing like that.but in my head( see above lines bi poler manic depression) he called me a hoe.and by all means i am not and well it was all down hill from there.not because of what he said. you know most people would just go talk to hem.but i know it would make hem feel like shit. and thats not the point. its that it was said. and in my own head i think thats how he feels. and then again i know thats not the case. buts its how i feel. i also know hes going to end up read this. and i know hes going to be up set at himself for saying it. but today is how my head wanted to take it.
i was in tears most of the day,and ya know i have sooo many friends and no one to tell what all gos on in my head. OK now thats not all true i could tell everyone whats going on in my head. now how much i get past my lips before they commit me. well i give it 10 min. so i keep it all to my self :) yaaaa wooo hoo.only if they know how much it takes out of me everyday to keep it all in and a smile on my face.only if they knew that at a drop of a hat i could fall apart and no one would know. I'm 22 so that means as long as I've been alive I've had to deal with this. so i know how to hide at lest most of it. no one even know that most of today i spent crying over nothing and then again it was everything.
i had someone tell me i need to get on meds for it you know it might work maybe at lest help me control it better, ya never. but once again I'm by my self left with my own thoughts to keep me company. I'm going to go to bed be4 this gets any longer.
so fair well to you and safe dreams
Luna